We had been going to the Nutcracker every year. Mom and I loved it, Dad loved that we loved it and put up with our silly ballet fetish, and the brother liked to look at the skinny girls with boobs.

When I turned 13, it was like a switch. A great big hormone switch. Boobs. Blood. Butt. Legs. Despite this mega growth spurt that seemed to sneak up on me, I was fairly reserved. Other than some exploration, I had been avoiding finger fucking myself.

It’s not that my girlfriends and I talked about masturbation all the time. However, when they did talk about it was scary. Their eyes would get this possessed look, their voices would drop lower and they would rub their leg unconsciously. It was like they were possessed by their own orgasms, and later I would find out they were.

Because I too would join the ranks of finger-banging zombies, but not in the way I imagined.

So I avoided masturbation because it creeped me out a bit. Sounds weird, I know. It was bad enough I was taking Advil for five fucking days, you can say I don’t like big changes. So I didn’t.

This self-imposed orgasmic exile ended when Dad pulled out all the stops and got us front-row tickets at the Nutcracker. That was soooo cool. It was the first year eldest sib moved away, so it was just us three.

I was enjoying the show and the peacock dance was on. Yanno, the solo dance where the dancer comes out of the cage and does a dance for everyone and then goes back into the cage?

Well she comes out of the cage and I am sitting there looking at her in her costume up close dancing sensually to the music. I guess I must have been staring with my mouth open or some such shit because as she was dancing she looked out at the audience and winked at me.

Winked.

At.

Me.

I close my mouth and for the first time ever I have this funny feeling, down there. I caught myself breathing fast. I look at her face. Her feathers. Her tight costume. Her eyes. Her long legs. It was as if I poured her into a glass and drank her. ZAP! She was burned in my mind.

And then… I wanted to kiss her.

The show ended, we went out for food, Daddy got lots of praise and I went to bed at night at my usual time.

Only, this night, I sleep nude.

I closed my eyes.

The peacock came into the room.

She pulls off the covers.

She runs her hand along my side, my legs, and finally my breasts.

She is kissing me.

She kisses my breasts.

She takes a finger and then starts rubbing me. She is looking into my eyes, kissing my eyes.

She is rubbing and rubbing rubbing and

OH MY FUCKING GOD OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!

I taste blood. I have bitten my lip so hard to keep from crying out that it is bleeding.

I close my eyes and do it again.

And then again.

And then again.

I am exhausted.

I fall asleep and wake up cold because I forgot to put the covers back on.

The demanding peacock comes back into the room. This time she lies down. I am kissing her. Sucking her breasts, rubbing her poufy, licking her. She is moaning, she is calling my name she says “I love you! I love you! I love you!” Over and over and

OH MY FUCKING GOD OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT!

Oh ya Baby, Jessica HAS ARRIVED! I was in a great mood for a week. Then I realized that I could not get off by myself unless I was heavily fantasizing about something. Then I was scared. I was looking at girls my age. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. I was supposed to fall in love with a boy and make him want me so he would stay with me and love me and be mine and we could be a couple! With a sinking feeling I realized I did want a boy, and that I didn’t care if he loved me.

I just wanted him to fuck me.

It was at this point I knew that high school was going to SUCK.

But at least I could come so hard I sometimes rolled off the bed, so there was that.